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Top 10 Places To Stick The Patch

by eric on July 8th, 2006 in: Other Stuff

For those of you who are trying to quit smoking and are getting bored with the patch, here are some new and exciting possibilities.

NOTE: The following is for entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t really even be read.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Work is much better. 🙂

Add to the list or create your own top ten if you need something to do.

Top 10 Places to Stick the Nicotine Patch

10. Over one eye – works best if you use a permanent marker to color it black and draw a string around your head. This also works best if you have no hair.

9. Stick one patch to the end of your tongue for the ever-sexy Gene Simmons KISS look. Works best if you brush teeth well and dry tongue completely.

8. Cut in half and put one half each on lower and upper lips. Gives a cool Donald Duck or tough Transformer look. Works best if you make mechanical munching sounds and talk in a monotone drone, or quack.

7. Again, cut in half and stick on the inside of each cheek. This accomplishes roughly the same thing as Brando with cotton. For maximum effect, talk like the Godfather and grant people wedding wishes.

6. Use like a Breathe-Right strip over the nose to gently re-shape your schnoz and cover blemishes.

5. Use one half to secure the pinky of each hand to your ring finger, so you have only three fingers and a thumb, like a Simpsons character. An alternate version would be to stick your pointer and middle fingers together as well so you have that hip, Vulcan look.

4. Cut in half and affix one half to the side of each eye prohibiting peripheral vision. This makes driving much more fun and keeps you focusing on what’s in front of you, rather than pesky folks at the crosswalk.

3. Cut patch in eight pieces and use each section to augment the webbing between your fingers for that awesome Man From Atlantis look. Keep patch parts away from fish.

2. Cut in half and put one half behind each ear, allowing it to stick out about a half inch. This, aside from looking really cool, allows for keener hearing.

1. Censor yourself by sticking it over your mouth, sealing your lips together. This helps avoid embarrassing craving-induced outbursts at family, coworkers, drivers, and other loved-ones. Also gives that spooky Twilight Zone look.

One Response to ' Top 10 Places To Stick The Patch '

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  1. Janny said:

    January 15th, 2006 at 23:09

    This list is *too* funny – hilarious – maybe even divinely inspired.! Thanks for the tongue-in-cheek look at the patch experience.

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